1. Before I start this
Post, I wanna say Happy Pre-Turkey Day. I also wanna say that the history behind this holiday is deplorable (“here’s some food… and some smallpox”…etc.)
But I am writing this post to say that I
Am no longer wondering about dating and relationships. No, not because I have magically found myself a boyfriend.
I am no longer wondering, because I realized… I have a life. I have WAAAY more important things to be thinking about. My music, for starters, and my hobbies, and my studies, and just the million other things going on in my life.
2. That does not mean I
am closing myself off to potential matches. Quite the contrary in fact. I simply realize I am happy. As. I. Am. I am not worried about my peers or some misguided internal clock telling me I am behind. I literally don’t hear it anymore, and I couldn’t give less of a damn about it now. I am writing from a place of relief and confidence, to be honest.
3. I was internalizing
The strange crap people tell me about being ‘too accomplished’ or ‘intimidating’ at 21 years old. I was feeling agitated and annoyed by the guys who stare at me but never approach, even though I smile and am friendly. But something happened to me recently that has changed my outlook.
+ I realized something important:
I can be glorious.
I can be amazing and achieve anything I want, and I literally don’t have to apologize for it. And I don’t have to meet some relationship standard. And I can be as fucking fantastic as I want. I can be the superhero I’ve always wanted to be. If that is intimidating, so be it. I gain no joy from pretending to be smaller than I am. IN SHORT: I don’t give a crap. And I love it.
I chase my own ideals. And that’s all I need. :) There’s still room for family, friends, colleagues, and love. But… I won’t be putting myself through contortions to get those things. A guy can either get on this bus or hop off – his choice, but I am not dragging him with me, and I’m not feeling bad about it either. I wish everyone true love, happiness, and joy.
À plus tard,
1. What ever happened to dating culture?
I’m not one for hooking up with people I’ve just met (be that making out (typically) or sleeping with). I’d love to have a kickass conversation with you first and a good meal. Sleeping with you will not be happening without commitment. I’ve had too many friends share their STD horror stories with me (not that I’m judging the casual hookup. Different strokes & all that).
2. I really like meeting
New people and would love to be asked out on a date. I feel like my life has been one long dry spell, with the odd, mud-colored puddle every now and then. How does this happen? I don’t know about anyone else, but I feel like my generation is full of serial monogamists. We’re all so afraid of being alone, we just glom onto the first person we feel a connection with. I could be wrong, I admit. We just don’t seem to date one another, try things on (not referring to sex, just to sharing company with), have a conversation, see if we workout, if not we move on. Not at all.
3. I also wonder why
When I tell people about myself, they shrink away. I don’t dive into my accomplishments, I just talk about normal stuff (exams, where I’m from, silly things that happened to me the other day. I ask them about themselves without getting too personal… etc.) I wonder if I am saying something hurtful, or strange, or intense. God knows I don’t mean to be! I am okay with people not being as into me as I am into them. No one owes me a relationship – nor do I owe them.
I can tell someone flat-out that I like them (in an amorous way) and enjoy conversations with them without embarrassment. I can accept that they may not feel the same about me without feeling/being awkward. We’re all people with our own distinct preferences. I may not be your cup of chai, and I’m fine with that. Don’t start avoiding me, afraid I’ll be mad. You’re just insulting my emotional intelligence, really.
The opposite of that is I will have simple conversations with someone whom I am looking at as only a friend, and he will assume I am interested in more. What makes this worse is that the friendly conversation I had with this person involved me doing most of the listening and them talking my head off/ talking over me/not at all curious about what I have going on. It’s awful conversation, no give and take. I just do not understand how some people can be so self focused. Had the person been watching my expressions at all, they would have notice my trademark Glassy Smile of Tolerance. How can they want a relationship with that?
4. That said I also sometimes say
I want to hangout and be friends, and that is all I want. I don’t want more. You’re fun and have a great personality, we get along as friends. I’m not coming onto you, I really just want to be friends and hangout. I really enjoy having company – I am an extrovert, after all. If I am friendly toward someone within the context of a conversation while walking between classes, I find some people get so awkward or closed off, as if they aren’t used to someone offering simple friendship. It hurts me to see them clam up and shy away. But they are perfectly within their right to do this.
Luckily the instances of this happening in friendships has gone down significantly (like, 1000%). But when it comes to amorous relationships with my male peers, I don’t seem to be hitting the mark. I don’t want to assume anything on anyone’s part. What am I missing? Am I missing something? Fill out the poll below. Help me understand please.
À plus tard,
1. I am aware it’s
Been a minute since I’ve posted. Forgive me. Settling in at university has been pleasant and tiring. So, lemme post pix from Chi-town and discuss the future with you :).
2. Like this polar bear, I
Am moving forward with my music. I also refuse to let myself be taken advantage of. I may have said it before that I believe ignorance is dangerous. Less bliss, more harm. So it’s important that I do my research on the music industry and my strategy for working it. I cannot be swayed by buzzwords and name-dropping. What really matters to me is that whomever I work with, really really gets my vision, has access to the resources I need, is loyal, honest, and has an almost masochisitic work ethic. I do not want to nag anyone to get things done – gentle reminders I can do.
3. It’s strange and wonderful to
Hear of songs from my debut EP, ‘Cold Kingdom’, connecting with people. It’s amazing to see which songs affect people and how. So I am planning and working hard. I am grateful. To my team and family, to my producer, and to my co-writers – who helped me mold the songs I’d written into even better versions of themselves. I am so very grateful and aware of the sacrifices my family has made. I am blessed.
This year of college is my final one. The LVDS has been with me through all of it. Happy belated Birthday LVDS! FOUR YEARS AND COUNTING!
À plus tard,
Lol. I will NOT be flying private. *sigh* One day…
But I WILL be hanging with a great group of friends. I’ll take photos to share :)